Thou Who thus has loved me, give me love like this!

Many crowd the Savior's Kingdom,
Few recieve His Cross,
Many seek His consolation,
Few will suffer loss
For the dear sake of the Master,
Counting all but dross.

Many sit at Jesus' table,
Few will fast with him
When the sorrow cup of anguish
Trembles to the brim-
Few watch with Him in the garden
Who have sung the hymn.

Many will confess His wisdom,
Few embrace His shame,
Many, should He smile upon them,
Will His praise proclaim;
Then, if for a while He leave them,
They desert His Name.

But the souls who love Him truly
Whether for woe or bliss,
These will count their truest heart's blood
Not their own but His;
Saviour, Thou Who thus hast loved me,
Give me love like this.

-Unknown Author

Saviour, Thou Who thus hast loved me, give me love like this!

<3

From prayer that asks that I may be
Sheltered from the winds that beat on Thee,
From fearing when I should aspire,
From faltering when I should climb higher,
From silken self, O Captain, free
Thy soldier who would follow Thee.

From subtle love of softening things,
From easy choices, weakenings,
Not thus are spirits fortified,
Not this way went the Crucified,
From all that dims Thy Calvary,
O Lamb of God, deliver me.

Give me the love that leads the way,
The faith that nothing can dismay
The hope no dissapointments tire,
The passion that will burn like fire,
Let me not sink to be a clod:
Make me Thy fuel, Flame of God.

-Amy Carmichael

Delight

I LOVE GOD. Talking about Him, hearing about Him, reading about Him, and thinking about Him are the greatest pleasures of my existence. I was thinking about Joel Osteen the other day when I saw the cover of one of his books. His smile was so big it was about to split his face wide open. The name of the book, I cannot remember, but it was something about the joy of the Lord and finding strength in God. As I turned the book over I thought, "This man delights in God too!" How can that be?! He seems happy to talk about God. He has devoted countless hours to writing about God and teaching things about Him. He seems overall delighted in his relationship with God. I think that it is fair to say that if I asked him what he enjoyed the most he would say that God was what he enjoyed the most. So I was wondering and asking God the difference was between my delight in God and Joel's?

It is a good thing to delight in the Lord, and Scriptures talk about it numerous times. David talks about how much he loves God and delights in His commands. Also, Psalm 14:1 "A fool hath said in his heart there is no God". Even Darwin was blown away with the brilliant design of the eyeball, and himself said that considering evolution when looking at the eyeball was... absurd. Of course only God could have created that! So basically the fact that I delight in God just shows me that I am not stupid. Even people who don't believe in God find Him amazing. And there I was thinking that Joel and I were something for delighting in God. Pshaw! There was needed hit to my pride. :-) God is a brilliant Creator, perfectly perfect; He mightily mighty; He is justly just; He is honestly honest, and this list goes on. Who couldn't delight in that?! THAT is humbling and rightfully so!!

So all this brought me to an entirely new question: The question is not who delights in God... The question is who does God delight in? Jeremiah 9:23-24 is just one of the verses that lets us know what God delights in.

"Thus says the Lord: Let not the wise man boast in his wisdom, let not the mighty man boast in his might, let not the rich man boast in his riches, but let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the LORD who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the LORD."

And as it says in Jeremiah 9:23 and 24, and in many other places in the scripture God delights in steadfast love, justice and righteousness. He hates selfishness, unjust behavior, and unrighteous acts, thoughts, etc,. The only one that God could possibly delight in is Christ. By this standard Joel Osteen and Grace Chambers are what my brother would call "Epic Failures". On the other hand, Christ is the only one who meets that standard of being steadfastly loving, just, and righteous. God recognized this, and told us all through His Word (several times) that He did delight in His Son. "This is my Son in whom I am well pleased." (Matthew 3:17, 12:18, 17:5, Mark 1:11, Luke 3:22) To gain the delight of God we must be sinless as Christ, which is what Christ made possible at the cross for those who will repent of the way we want to live and will give our life to follow Him. Sadly this just might be where Joel and I are different... Anyone can delight in God, but to gain the delight of God that is what is truly important.

Matthew 7:22-23 "Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? and in thy name have cast out devils? and in thy name done many wonderful works? And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity."

So the point of sharing this whole thing is this: Are you one who delights in God, but finds that God cannot delight in you? You aren't the only one. God has said that many people delight in Him, in His strength and power, but He finds no delight in them, because of their sin. (Matthew 7:23, and 25:41)The difference between you and them is that you are on this side of judgement and you can find forgiveness and freedom from sin now, through Christ. Don't delay. It truly is a delight to know that I not only can delight in God now but that I will be able to delight in Him throughout all eternity.

One Day Closer

Luke 12:37-38 "Blessed are those servants, whom the lord when he cometh shall find watching: verily I say unto you, that he shall gird himself, and make them to sit down to meat, and will come forth and serve them. And if he shall come in the second watch, or come in the third watch, and find them so, blessed are those servants."

These verses make me so excited! Jesus really is coming and He is coming soon. I cannot wait for that day, but one thing I would love to know: Will I be ready? Will He find me watching and working diligently, faithfully for Him? What exactly will I be doing when He does come?

When Jesus comes (if He comes while I live) I want Him to find me on the edge of my seat so to speak, ready to bounce out of this world into the next at any moment. I want to be enjoying the daylights out of Him, His Word, His glory, etc. Wouldn't it be nice (I think I am speaking mostly to girls with these examples. :-)) to meet Christ having been a faithful and submissive worker like Ruth, or a bold ambassador like Esther? Wouldn't it be wonderful to be found a faithful sutdent of God's Word like Mary? I think any of these would be wonderful, but I wonder how I will meet Him?

While I am still in bed because of this "character building" (lol) surgery, I have had time to think about what I should be doing when I actually can move. :-) Here is one of the verses I have been thinking about:

Jesus said in John 9:4 "I must work the works of him that sent me, while it is day: the night cometh, when no man can work."

These last few months have drug by so slowly I felt like time had literally stopped. Thankfully it didn't. :-) Even as slow as these last months have been... they are gone and they are not coming back. My time on this earth is very short. I got here just a few years ago and I'll be leaving soon too. The thought of this could send me into a panic attack, "SO-gasp-MUCH-gasp TO DO gasp!" However it doesn't, because I know that what I have done or will do has nothing to do with whether or not I am Christ's and He is mine. That being said what I am doing on earth is a prelude to what I will be doing in heaven. So I really cannot be waiting until then to get started. Now is the time to obey, now is the time to repent, now is the time to praise, now is the time to thank, now is the time to worship, etc, etc, you get the idea.

1 John 4:10 "Herein is love, not that we loved God, but that he loved us, and sent his Son [to be] the propitiation for our sins."

Wow! That is great great love. And we only love Him because He first loved us. When you do something for someone you love, does it feel like a chore? NO. It really doesn't. It is a pleasure. It is delightful, fun, thrilling, and every other good word there I can't think of at this moment. So if obeying God is so easy and fun, why don't I do it? Well that is the difference between here and heaven. My redeemed spirit wars constantly against my flesh, and that is what makes this rough. But I don't have to be afraid because Christ overcame the world and He will provide a way of escape from temptation. He is very faithful. Now back to what I meant to talk about: What kind of things do I need to be doing to get ready for His coming? How can I trim my lamps, and tirelessly watch for Him?

I can be about what He has given me to do NOW. Broadly speaking this would be like, studying the Scriptures, encouraging my family, and fellow brothers and sisters in Christ (the Church), sharing the gospel, etc. Specifically it means that I have to stop wasting time. There are so many time wasting traps these days, that before I even realize it I am sucked these traps. But God has asked that I be READY when He comes, and that means putting away the distractions that have nothing to do with watching for Him. Guys, He is coming and coming soon!

"Be ye therefore ready also for the Son of man cometh at an hour when ye think not." -Matthew 25:40

May the Lord Find Us Faithful by Mac Lynch

"God has not given us the spirit of fear, But has given us the strength to obey.
With power and sound mind, with love the unfailing kind, Oh, be not ashamed of His way.

[Chorus] May the Lord find us faithful, May His Word be our banner held high.
May the Lord find us faithful, Everyday tho' we live tho' we die.

No man that seeketh after things of this life, Is a soldier, who passes the test.
Be faithful, be working, be running, be serving, Be searching His word for His best.

[Chorus] May the Lord find us faithful, May His Word be our banner held high.
May the Lord find us faithful, Everyday tho' we live tho' we die.

Living or dying may honor be Thine. From this wretched life, You loved and forgave.
A life that is on fire, be only our heart's desire, Be faithful from now to the grave.

May the Lord find us faithful. May His Word be our banner held high. May the Lord find us faithful every moment, Every day, every hour! Everyday tho' we live tho' we die..."

This song is so beautiful and so very encouraging. The tune is very catchy too (can't get it out of my head today), but I can't find it on youtube, so you will just have to imagine it. :-)

Grace for Eeyore? Or Eeyore for Grace?

Lately my dad and others have been concerned with my lack of cheerfulness, and for a while I blew him off saying that I was just becoming more mature and thinking realistically. But I am pretty sure that is just an excuse. :-) The truth is I don't feel cheerful. I have been worried about this or that, or this or that makes my heart heavy, and I remind myself of Eeyore. :-)

The world says (and the Bible says the world says), to know your heart is the most important thing. So my heart feels "uncheerful", therefore I am not cheerful. But that isn't truth. The Lord has given me a command to be cheerful.

"Rejoice in the Lord alway: [and] again I say, Rejoice." -Phil 4:4

If that were the only verse commanding me to rejoice, I might be able to make myself forget it. But if you have a chance you should check out Phil. 3:1, Hab. 3:18, Ps.32:11, Ps. 20:5, 1Chronicles 16:10, or 2Chronicles 6:4. What struck me the most about these verses is that they all claim to find joy from the same place. Has the Eeyore in me forgotten something?

All of these verses are talking about the salvation of their God. God has saved me and delivered me from death, destruction and judgement. Were I to have no other good thing in my life, no family, no health, no nothin', salvation and a relationship with the Everlasting Father should be enough to supply me with joy unspeakable.

Another verse says, (Proverbs 15:13) "A merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance: but by sorrow of the heart the spirit is broken." The Lord has given me a heart of flesh and that is a happy thing that should give me a happy countenance. It is important that I learn to reject those "feelings" that forget God, and "un-happiness" is one of them.

Do you know what has made it so much easier to be cheerful? Remembering what I have to be cheerful about. Remembering the sacrifice of the Lord, remembering that one day I will be with Him, remembering that He has overcome this world already. When God corrects my thinking and gives me a "right mind" (Mark 5:15), it is easy to then correct my emotions and feelings. Eeyore is gone and rejoicing is finally here! That is the beauty of the Word of God and that is the grace He has poured out on me today.

Ashamed of Jesus?

Lord, Jesus, shall it ever be,
A mortal man ashamed of Thee?
Ashamed of Thee whom angels praise,
Whose glories shine through endless days?

Ashamed of Jesus? Sooner far
Let evening blush to own a star!
He sheds His beams of love divine
Into this darkened soul of mine.

Ashamed of Jesus? Just as soon
Let midnight be ashamed of noon.
'Tis midnight with my soul till He,
Bright Morning Star, bids darkness flee.

Ashamed of Jesus? That dear Friend
On Whom my hopes of heav'n depend.
No, when I blush be this my shame,
That I have not proclaimed His Name.

Ashamed of Jesus? Yes, I may
When I've no guilt to wash away,
No tears to wipe, no grace to crave,
No fears to quell, no soul to save! No soul to save!

Till then, nor is my boasting vain,
Till then I boast a Savior slain!
But, oh! May this my glory be,
That He is not ashamed of me!

God has been gracious to me.

"Oh that men would praise the LORD for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! " -Ps. 107:8 and 15 and 21 AND 31 ;-)

Dear Friends,

I don't have anything great to say on my 21st birthday (lol. as if I ever do). I have tried a million times to write a million new posts and nothing decent ever comes of those posts. There are too many lessons and too many different things going on around here, and I just cannot collect it all into one post. I am sorry but this will have to do, okay? :-) Here is what is going on:

I miss my friends. I miss my family (Charity, Justin, Courtney and Dan, etc.). I miss my church. I am having a really hard time focusing on school. I feel a little displaced and yet perfectly placed in that displacement... as if I am gonna be here a while. :-) Its pretty awkward, just so you know. :-)

But just when I am about to cry, because I miss the old things and people so much, and just when I think I have had enough or too much, God reminds me of the cross. Jesus died there. He gave up His house, His friends, His family, all good and great pursuits, and professions, and all "success", pleasure and finally His life. His sacrifice spared me. At this point I am usually sobbing, but not because I want those things so much anymore but because I have been so ungrateful. It is heartbreaking that it is so easy to forget the Treasure of heaven that was poured out for me, and all I can think about is "home".

There is a song by Twila Paris called, Beautiful, and one line says, "How beautiful, when humble hearts give the fruit of pure lives so that others may live. How beautiful..." Christ did that. He GREATLY humbled Himself and gave the fruit of a pure life so that I could live. I am a servant of God, and a recipiant of His extravagant grace/mercy. I have to humble myself and live a pure life, glorifying the Father just as the Son did.

God is really changing my heart, and I am so glad. I don't want to regret the way I clung to earthly things when I get to heaven. I don't want to be sorry for the things I pursued with my (youth and strength) life here on earth. So I hope He continues to change me and correct me where I am proud and demanding/ungrateful towards Him. YUCK!

This has been one of my happiest birthdays, because God's works have been wonderful in my life. They are not what I expected or even what I thought I wanted but they are wonderful and good (by His definition :-)). And even though I just finished saying how much I miss the old things, God has blessed me so much here. He has brought Christian fellowship, and jobs, and things to do, and I have schools, classes, and books coming out my ears. So praise God for year 20. Praise Him for all He has given and for all He has taken away. I am really looking forward to year 21.

Bow the Knee

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TrOTIu7e8Uw Please listen to this song on youtube. You will not be sorry. :-)

This is such a beautiful song and so important for me to remember these days. God has brought a couple circumstances to my attention that I know for a fact I can do nothing about, and yet those situations cause me a lot of discomfort. At first this made me mad, but God in His grace reminded me that He is God. He has redeemed me and I now belong to Him in every sense of that word. He did not promise me the "good/prosperous" life, but He has promised me Himself.
There are tons of places in Psalms where David talks about God being his portion and his reward from this life, and these have really comforted me:

"Thou art my portion, O LORD: I have said that I would keep thy words." -Ps. 119:57
" My flesh and my heart faileth: but God is the strength of my heart, and my portion for ever." -Ps. 73:26
" The LORD [is] the portion of mine inheritance and of my cup: thou maintainest my lot." -Ps. 16:5

So in a kinda creepy way I am enjoying this strong discomfort, because God reminds me that while this life may be pretty uncomfortable/unpleasant for me; He is a more than sufficient reward. I have given my life and my soul to Him and that means that I do not have the right to demand the pleasures found in this life. While He is ever faithful and cares very much for me, He is ever the Lord.
I absolutely must bow the knee to Almighty God in everything (including these circumstances). I also must submit my life to Him, and stop desiring/following/pursuing the things of this world. It is hard for me to write this, but I know it is the truth. And I can remember and be comforted that He is not a "hard" Master, but He is THE Master. There is nothing for me here, but my reward will only be found in God. I pray God will continue to bring me to my knees before Him and help me to submit to Him in every situation no matter how uncomfortable it is. Even though it HURRRRTS! :-)
Hope you enjoy that song as much as I did. :-)

"Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present [you] faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, To the only wise God our Saviour, [be] glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen." Jude 1:24-25

Looking up

When I hear my Dad say "Grace, you need to be thinking outside the box" (one of his favorite phrases), my heart sinks. Creativity is NOT my strong point, and that is what he wants, right? I am learning something about "looking outside of the box"; it isn't actually as hard as I used to think it was. I think my most creative ideas have come from stepping back and looking at the big picture. What are the needs? How can they be met? So basically my dad is just asking me to find the answer that works. It's there; it is just not at that moment apparent.

I love the book of Philippians (in the Bible) and it is from this book that God has revealed His call to me. He has called me to creativity or "looking up".

"Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus: Who being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God: But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men: And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross." -Phil. 2:4-8

If you are like me, semi-normal, you have a lot to do. And things and issues crowd your day until you fall into bed exausted late at night (or early morning). For some of you, mere survival takes up most of your day, how can there possibly be any time left for one more thing? There seems to be in that kind of day no room for more attention to others or other's things. How can we be asked to look on things of others when we barely (and I mean barely) have room for our "things". This is where creativity and looking up come into play.

Actually looking on the things of others is more about the heart than anything else. Of course! I love Mark Cahill's quote "money isn't about money, it is about the heart." Is our heart right about the things we are doing? There are times when parents or

It is so natural for me to go about the day working, studying, and interacting with people in a selfish way. But God has called me and redeemed me from that way of thinking to a new life wherein I can have a new mind of selfless humility in serving, living, yea, dying for other's things. It requires creativity, because this is not natural. It requires creativity because it doesn't seem possible. We have a responsibility to be responsible. However creativity is not that hard. It is the answer that works and the answer that is already there.

So stepping back, what is the big picture? Life isn't about me. It will not effect eternity if my personal desire to one day become a nurse is not realized... All of heaven will not be shaken if I am not one day a wonderful, responsible, cheerful, good and virtuous wife and mother... And as far as short term desires: I will still be a Christian if I don't get to hear the latest episode of Wretched Radio, or Paul Washer's sermon. I will not be overweight tomorrow if I don't get the best workout today... So my plans and desires are very much interupt-able. Is that a word? That's a humbling thought, but it should be. Life is about God, His goals, His plans done His way. Life is about anything and everything that magnifies God.

And what is the answer that is there and yet not apparent? The answer seems to be in having the mindset of Christ. The attitude of a bond-servant (if you will) giving up ones own desires and dreams to serve their master because of the love one has for their master seems to be the right attitude.

In this same book, Paul talks about a selfless man who served Paul's needs without regard to his own physical needs. Wow! Paul says, "Hold such a one in reputation."

So my challenge is to "look up!" What is going on around me? .

"Greater love hath no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends." -John 15:13
"And this commandment have we from him, That he who loveth God love his brother also." -1John 4:21

Secrets!

It is August, and "Grace Every Day" has become more like "Grace Every Month or So..." It is not that I am not experiencing God's grace everyday and really every moment of my life, but rather how can I do all these stories, of God's unbelievable grace, justice in a blog?

Since I am unable to write about everything going on in my life, today, I will just write about secrets.

My family has never been good at keeping secrets from each other until recently, and now all of the sudden everyone is good at it. They don't tell me anything they shouldn't, and I don't them anything I shouldn't. We all get frustrated with each others new ability to be discreet. However, God has shown me the grace found in secrets. This is really weird for me, but I no longer HAVE to KNOW what going on or what is coming. In fact it is pretty much fine if I never know... Here is what I am learning about secrets:

There is a verse about secrets in the Bible (Proverbs 25:2) that says, "[It is] the glory of God to conceal a thing: but the honour of kings [is] to search out a matter."

What kind of secrets does God have? What is He concealing? How do these secrets bring Him glory? I can think of two big things God conceals. He conceals Himself. He conceals the future.

Sometimes God conceals Himself completely from a person. They never understand salvation in this life. They never understand His power, or His Deity, or even the fact that He is the their Creator. The fact that some people will never know God as their Savior does not at first glance seem glorifying of God at all. It is a very offensive truth with which lots of us struggled. God is not mean, right? However there are even secrets the children of God will not understand this side of heaven. There are still parts of His character and many of His ways and decisions that we do not understand. Wouldn't it be nice to know NOW? How is this secret keeping glorifying to God?

One way God's secret keeping brings Him glory is that it forces me (and all people) to realize that this life is NOT ABOUT ME, it is about Him. God does not owe the understanding of His character or His ways (I thought He did until I read Job 38-42:6). He does not owe me or salvation or grace. He is above and I am below. I am His creation; He is my Creator. When I understand who He is, the Lord of all, who answers to no one, and is yet perfectly gracious and holy, I can no longer have a problem with what He has chosen to do? And yet I must continue doing what is right in His eyes though I don't know/understand what is going on. It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, if only for the purpose of reminding me of my place and of His place in life as I know it. How gracious He is in reminding me of this truth.

Now God's concealment of the future is tough. There are times when I would give my front tooth to know what was coming. :-) But that isn't how it works... and lately it isn't how I want it to work. How does this concealment of my future bring Him glory? Boy, do I know the answer to this question. When He conceals my future, even the next moment of time, I am forced to cling to His promises, to His Word, to Him. This is so gracious, because I know myself. In the pride of my heart, were I to know what was coming, I would forget about God and do things my own way. I would "lean" on my OWN limited and depraved understanding of things and make my decisions accordingly.

God's concealment of things does bring Him glory, and He is worthy of that glory. But that wasn't the end of the verse, though it could have been. The end of the verse said that it is the honor (Honor spelt with an "ou" to be exact. KJV, you know :-)) of kings to search out a matter. Those of us to whom God has graciously revealed Himself, and even those to whom He has not yet revealed Himself, have the great honor of looking into the secrets of God. It doesn't mean we will understand all of these secrets (though we may), but we have the honor of a personal relationship with the Almighty God who is willing to reveal His glory/His secrets to us. What an unspeakable honor! I'll take it! :-)

So here is the moral of this blog post: Secrets can be really really good things, but only when they are kept and revealed at the right time. So don't tell your secrets and don't force others to tell theirs, until it is time for those secrets to be revealed. While we are waiting for all of those delightful secrets to come out, we have plenty to occupy our minds with looking into the deep secrets of our God.

Daniel 2:20-22 "Daniel answered and said, Blessed be the name of God for ever and ever: for wisdom and might are his: And he changeth the times and the seasons: he removeth kings, and setteth up kings: he giveth wisdom unto the wise, and knowledge to them that know understanding: He revealeth the deep and secret things: he knoweth what [is] in the darkness, and the light dwelleth with him."

Faith to Embrace the Future

So as many of you know we are moving in T-minus a few days. It is really hard/exciting for all of us. It is exciting to be going into a new place and meeting more people, but it is so hard to leave all of our friends here. I am so glad to be going where God is leading me, but I cannot help but wish that He will lead me back to Texas one day.





Texas (more specifically the people I met in Texas, which includes those of you from EXCEL) will always and forever have a very special place in my heart. It was here that God changed my heart to follow and love Him. You all were so challenging, inspiring, and encouraging. Thank you for allowing God to use you in such awesome ways in my life. You cannot possibly know the impact you have made on my life. You cannot possibly know how many thank you's I owe each of you. Though I spent the rest of my life trying to thank each of you I would hardly scratch the surface. So I have to be content with this post, and prayer for God (who has seen and counted all the blessings that you have blessed me with) to bless you. I know that He will.





Right now I am praying that I will have the faith to embrace the future. And if God brings us to your mind please pray that we will embrace the changes that God has planned for us (both spiritual and physical) in Kansas. I know that there is something (at least) that will not change and that is the goodness of God towards both you and me. I can safely and happily leave you guys in His hands knowing that the grace He has shown me He will continue to show you. I love all of you and hope that we will be able to keep in touch... especially since someone has invented all of these awesome gadgets for keeping in touch long distance (e-mail, facebook, blogs, phone, etc.). God bless you guys!!

The work of Gods hands: my life, your life

It has been so beautiful outside for the past couple of days. The sky is so clear. The temperature is perfect.

There is a tree in my backyard that is especially caught my eye today. It is a short tree, like all the trees in Texas, but its branches are far reaching and thick with those brand new spring-green leaves. I have never been so impressed by the beauty of a tree. I just had to say, "WOW!" out loud (really loud), even though I was by myself. (Weird I know, but you can't tell me you don't sing loud and talk to yourself in the car when no one is with you.)

"It is a good thing to give thanks unto the LORD, and to sing praises unto thy name, O Most High: To show forth thy loving kindness in the morning, and thy faithfulness every night, Upon an instrument of ten strings, and upon the psaltery; upon the harp with a solemn sound. For thou, LORD hast made me glad through the work of thy hands. O Lord, how great are thy works! and thy thoughts are very deep." -Psalm 92:1-5

There are three things that I am having a really hard time with:
First, I don't understand the direction God is taking my life. It seems disjointed. It is like a puzzle to which I am missing half of the pieces. It doesn't look like anything yet. Second, I don't like my spiritual gift (which I think is mercy). I feel like I have been misusing it... I have a lot of difficulty in discerning when to be merciful and comforting and when to be firm. So my solution to this has been to go from one extreme to the next. One day NO ONE gets away with ANYTHING. Then the next day, I am so sorry for the previous day, I let everything slide. It is incredibly frustrating (to everyone). No one knows what kind of response to expect from me anymore. Thirdly, I am worried about some of my friends and family. I see them going through difficulties and I think I can help. But I don't know if I should say something or if it is none of my business. Even if it was right to help them, I don't know what to do. What I think they need may not be what they need at all, and it might just make things worse. It is like I am watching someone, from the side, scaling a mountain without a safety rope or anything. I know nothing about that kind of climbing, so as they struggle to keep their life and limbs, I see sweat drip from their chin and I yell, " You want a popsicle!" (or something totally random like that).

I was praying about all of this while walking back from my run. God really impressed me with the beauty of the fields, birds and bugs (butterflies) that I was walking past. Everything was so nice, but when I saw the beautiful tree in the backyard that was it. It just took my breath away, and at that time God reminded me of the verses that I wrote above (see above). :-) The tree and all of the beautiful nature around me is the work of His hands. I couldn't add one thing to make it more beautiful or to improve on it in any small way. It was perfect. Then He reminded me that I too am the work of His hands. He is leading my life in the direction He wants it to go. He gave me the gifts He knew would be best. And not only does He know exactly what He is doing with me but He knows exactly what He is doing with everyone else too. We are all the work of His hands.

My lesson today was to praise God even when I have no clue what He is doing. He showed me that regardless of how everything looks to me (good or bad) I need to be praising all the works of His hands. Though I still don't know what God is doing in my life or in the lives of other very dear people, I do know that it is always worthy of praise. And like the Psalm says, it is a good thing. :-)

I am Learning in Whatsoever STATE I am in Therewith to Be Content

Contentment. I have been the model of anything but contentment for the past... well never mind how long. I am surprised every day at the way things have turned out (or not turned out) for my family and me.

Still yet, we have no word on the move. Is it coming? Is it not? God, will You not let me plan? Will you not give me a heads up? For what should I prepare? How can I be ready? When will I know for sure?

And it isn't just the move. There are so many uncertainties right now. I have no idea how God is going to take me from where I am, and make me the most perfect and successful Christian woman ever. I just don't see how it is going to work, anymore.

But whenever I draw breath between the thousands of "future" questions I am asking God every day, He says "If everything really did go completely 'wrong' with this move and your future in general would you still trust me?" He is saying that my life isn't about getting from point A to point B, nor is it about realizing my dreams and becoming a successful woman of God. My life is about realizing the dreams of my God and embracing them. Life is actually supposed to be all about Him. Who knew?!

Truly, Ruth (from the Bible) was a very virtuous woman from whom I could use some lessons. I think that she not only understood contentment but she put it to practiced. She recognized that life was about the Living God and not about her. I know in my head that life is not about me and my pleasure/dreams, but in my heart there is no proof of this knowledge. Ruth was willing to be apart of His plan even if that didn't include good things for her. I want this attitude too. One of "OK, God, lead on because not only am I going to follow, but I am going to rejoice in the fact that I am following YOU!" I think that was Ruth's attitude. Don't you?

Paul, or whoever wrote Hebrews (13:5) wrote, "Let your conversation [be] without covetousness; [and be] content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. " According to the Scripture, contentment doesn't come from pleasant or good circumstances, and it doesn't come from bad or harsh circumstances. Contentment comes from enjoying the fact that Christ is with me and will not leave.

*I had to laugh when I came across the verse: Philippians 4:11 "Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever STATE I am, [therewith] to be content." He must have been thinking of me when He wrote this. That is pretty good isn't it?

Love's Simplicity... or not.

Love is the most pleasant experience, in this life, and it is one of the only things that will count in eternity. Whether you have been loved by someone or have the good fortune of loving someone you have to agree that it is truly wonderful. I know of no other feeling like it. I know of nothing for which I would trade it.

The most beautiful love story of all time is the story of Christ. Novelists have tried to write one so beautiful and have come as close as possible with human characters and minds. But Christ's selfless life and selfless death, even in the face of complete rejection by those He loved, is such an astounding story that it is hard for us to imagine a better.

Did you know that Christ actually died of a broken heart? He did. A heart doctor said that it is the only way water and blood could have poured from His wound. The Psalms prophesied that He would die of a broken heart. Ps. 22:14 "I am poured out like water, and all my bones are out of joint: my heart is like wax; it is melted in the midst of my bowels. " Can you imagine actually dying of a broken heart? It wasn't the cross that killed our lover, it was our rejection of His love. Can you imagine the pain of a bursting heart?

So, is it impossible to love like this? Is it possible to love so freely, fully and selflessly as to be in danger of a (physically)broken heart? The Bible says, (1 John 4:7) "Love is of God... for God is love". Does this mean that everyone, that knows God, loves? It didn't say that, but at least I know it is possible to truly love. True love is possible for someone who knows God.

I am praying for Christ-like love and it scares me. Because Christ-like love means a love full of truth, full of faith, and is completely selfless. Christ was persecuted and hated. No one at the time took pleasure in His love or even recognized it as love. Even as he died the ones who loved him most forsook him, and is this the life I want? No. How could I? Like most, I want to love and be loved in return. I want to be delighted in and cared for even as I delight in and care for someone else. Seems pure enough, right? It is also known as a 50/50 deal. I will do to you what I want you to do to me. But if you ever love me less I will love you less in return. This is the worlds love and it cannot endure.

The lasting love of Christ must be unconditional. It is a love that will never fail because it does not depend on circumstances, it doesn't depend on another persons feelings or actions. It is His character, not His mood or His response. So this kind of love can also be my character. Love, for me, must no longer be a mood or a response. Wow. Let it be, Lord, in my life let this be!

His Plan; His Time

Today, I heard a missionary from Brazil speak. At first I wasn't too impressed with him (he didn't have a very neat DVD presentation at the beginning), but when he got up to preach I was amazed at his faith and the message God gave him for me.

Luke 19:10 "For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost. "

In the beginning of the sermon he reminded us of the great sacrifice that Christ paid for us. Christ gave up all His heavenly glory and became a poor man. He, the only precious Son of God, lived among us and with us, only to die taking on all of the sin of the world. He spared nothing for us... for me, but laid His life down to redeem me and make me a child of God.

The pastor went on to explain the meaning of redemption. It means to be rescued permanently from a certain place or punishment, to be completely made acceptable when before one was unacceptable.

The missionary then asked, "Why do you continue to make your own plans, telling God what things He can and cannot touch? Why do you tell God that now is not the time, and you can't obey today? Christ kept nothing back from you; you have no right to keep any dream, any time, any part of your life back from Him who saved you from eternal damnation. And why do we constantly believe the lie and think that Christ lived and died to redeem us, that he left glory and came to complete rejection so that when we give our lives to Him he can drag us through the muck of the earth? He did all this so that He could make us miserable? Why do we think God's plans and God's timing is a bad thing? Isn't He the one who before the world began, planned a wonderful redemption, and hasn't He already planned a wonderful eternal life? Why can't we trust His timing in His plans for our lives."

Right here, I started to cry (I've been a bit emotional lately), because this is so true in my life. I hold certain things out of God's reach (supposedly); certain things He may not touch. Certain things I have carefully planned and I am not willing for God to revise my plans, let alone replace them. I think that my plans are more likely to make me happy and be good for me than His. I have believed the lie. But the Bible says that life without God leads to death. It also says that His thoughts are higher than mine, so wouldn't His plans be? This is what the Bible says about God's plans for my future, this is the truth:

Ps. 84:11 "For the LORD God [is] a sun and shield: the LORD will give grace and glory: no good [thing] will he withhold from them that walk uprightly. "

Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the LORD, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end."

John 10:10 "... I am come that they might have life, and that they might have [it] more abundantly. "

Christ said that he came to give us life and to give us life more and greater than what we think we can have. However, every time I chose my own way over His it is adding to the wood and stubble that will burn on judgement day. Only where I fit into His (good) plans and His will, will remain that day.

Do I have dreams? Yes. Are they all God's will? We have to see, but praise God, He has good dreams for me and I can trust Him with my most precious dream. He has redeemed me, not to give me the short end of the stick, but to give me life abundantly. Thank you, Lord, for this day.

Jude 1:24-25 " Now unto him that is able to keep you from falling, and to present [you] faultless before the presence of his glory with exceeding joy, To the only wise God our Saviour, [be] glory and majesty, dominion and power, both now and ever. Amen."

Bad Dreams

I don't know how many people out there are afraid of the dark, or afraid of bad dreams, but I am pretty sure you weren't as bad as I was. As little girl, and even as a big girl I was terrified of being alone in the dark, or being awake in the dark. It wasn't until later that the fears of darkness carried over into fears of bad dreams as well. At one point in my life I was dreading night time so bad that I would stay up as long as possible and then would wake up at four or five in the morning (this is when I was 10 or 11). I would turn on all the major lights in the house, even extra lamps to take out those creepy shadows. Then I would sit upright in a chair and wait for everyone else in my house to wake up. It was pretty pitiful.
The night before last I had another bad dream. In my dream I aided some people who were sinning. I knew they were doing things that offended God and didn't stop them. My apathy and selfishness was huge, and when I finally woke up I felt so guilty. I didn't know what to do with the guilt. At first I tried to just shake it off, I thought it was just a dream. Shaking it off didn't turn out to be an option. The dream haunted me or taunted me all day. I had to deal with this.
The Bible says that men look on the outward appearance but God looks on the heart. It says that our iniquities are not hid from Him but they are open and before His face. King David, the man who wrote most of the Psalms, asked God to show him his secret faults. He understood that there were sins in his life, blind-spots, that he couldn't see. I think this apathy in my dream is, though seemingly on a lesser scale, a sin in my heart. I find it very difficult to confront people when they are doing something that is wrong. My fears have been so great that some people feel comfortable committing sin in front of me... and still I say nothing. This emboldens the enemy, and this helps my friends feel better about the sin they are committing.
The next day I brought this before the Lord and asked him for forgiveness for this dream, and for my sin of apathy in real life. I asked Him to forgive me and deliver me from this apathy towards sin. He did. He showed me that I needed to purify my mind with His Word. King David said, (Ps. 119) "Wherewith all shall a young man cleanse his way, by taking heed thereto according to thy word. With my whole heart have I sought Thee, O, let me not wonder from thy commandments. Thy word have I hid in my heart, that I might not sin against thee." Also, I need to stand bold for Christ, against sin in my own life as well as in the lives of my friends. If God isn't okay with it, I can't be either.
You know the great thing is that in Christ, even bad dreams have good endings. Even though I have bad dreams the Lord teaches me so much the next day. Just goes to show you that a Soldier of Christ is never off duty. :-)

Greater is He

Ye are of God, little children, and have overcome them: because greater is he that is in you, than he that is in the world. (1 John 4:4)

I am having trouble writing tonight. I feel like the dam has broken on me and my family. We are as busy physically and spiritually as we have ever been. We are excited that God is on our side and will fight for us and give us strength.

It is wonderful to know that I serve a big God who loves me. It is wonderful to know that no difficulty or hardship is too big for Him. There is nothing going on that He does not know about, care about, and will use to bring me closer to Him and to bring glory to His worthy name. That is pretty much all I can write tonight. God's graciousness deserves a blog post or two. Thank you God for your power and strength.

I shall not die, but live... (Ps. 118:17)

God has been teaching me so many things lately. I feel like I am drinking out of a fire hydrant and every now and then turned upside down and shaken so I don't drown. :-) Last night I was reading Psalm 118, and this verse, "I shall not die, but live, and declare the works of the LORD" really stuck out to me. God is so faithful to let me live and continue learning. Not only am I going to make it through everything alive but as I am going through it and when it is over I will declare the works of the LORD.

So what is the lesson for today? Keep good records of your finances at all times. Know that money isn't about money... it is about your heart. My lesson for today was about money... I mean it was about my heart. :-)

Today I discovered that I had made a costly financial mistake. This morning, before I knew about my mistakes, I was reading in Mark about money. As I was reading, "I thought what does this have to do with me?" Jesus said that it was easier for a camel to walk through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven. I thought, "Wow, that is harsh".

Compared to a lot of people I am very wealthy. I am never hungry (without choosing to be), have a nice bed to sleep in and have tons of shoes to wear. So obviously this passage was referring to me (the rich). Also I knew that I have trouble trusting God instead of things in the world so I re-read the passage.

He says (10:24), "Jesus answereth again, and saith unto them, Children, how hard is it for them that trust in riches to enter into the kingdom of God!" Then I saw, "Wow! That is me". I trust in things, people, education and a bunch of other things before God. He knows this and slowly and surely He is freeing me from trusting these things. One by one, these things are failing and one by one He is proving faithful. I don't know if this post is TMI or not, but anyway if anyone else out there is going through the same thing you can know you aren't alone. I know that God will be faithful. Help me Lord to trust you more because of these difficulties and not less.

"Great Things He Hath Done"

The other day I was driving along a new road trying to find a Goodwill. As I was driving I turned a corner and a police man stepped out onto the road and directed me into what looked like a subdivision. I saw on the same street several cars all lined up along with several police men. I thought that there must have been an accident and this police man was sending me on a detour or something, but as I was slowly driving away trying to figure out how to be on my way I saw in my mirror the police man waving his arms at me and pointing at the side of the road. I was shocked I hadn't looked at my speedometer for about half a minute but there was no way I was speeding.

He came up to me and asked for my license and proof of insurance. As I handed it to him I asked what the matter was, and why he stopped me. He didn't answer me so I asked again. He said "I clocked you going 33 mph in a 20 mph School Zone". I was shocked.

I saw the flashing school zone sign and it said 35 mph and slowed down accordingly and began to look for where this zone ended. I told the police this. I couldn't believe that he pulled me over, there must have been a mistake. He calmly stated that the 35mph school zone was just before this one and that he would be right back with my ticket. There were three other people in the car with me at the time and none of them saw the 20 sign either. I couldn't believe this.

Well, I got the ticket and I was so upset. Money has never been a big deal to me until really recently, because I want to get my school done so bad and I have had a ton of surprises this semester. So I got very angry and upset about this ticket. I even cursed the cop, not to his face but to God saying that I wish he wouldn't get any sleep that night (that was the worst thing I could think of at the moment). I cried and yelled about the oppression of the government and how a poor college student could never get ahead. It was such a strange thing that I got the ticket, because I was sure that I was obeying the law. I knew there must be a spiritual lesson God wanted to teach me through this.

At the time I couldn't handle it. I was so angry at God for allowing this kind of lesson at this time in my life. Then when He calmed my heart, and helped me bless the cop (to make up for the curse: many nights of peaceful sleep). God began to show me the lessson. Mark Cahill says "Money problems are never about the money, they are about the heart", and he is right.

Through that ticket, Jesus was reminding me how many people go through life thinking that they are doing everything that they should. They don't know that they have broken God's law, they don't know that a very real punishment is in store for them. They zip along, obeying that 35 mph sign unconscious of the 20 mph sign they will be punished for.

Most of us don't lie a lot on purpose. We try not too. Most of us try to honor our parents and try to keep God first in our lives. We try not to covet or lust. We try to forgive almost everyone who offends us. But we don't realize that this is not the standard. So many people are cruising along going 35 in a 20mph zone. Does that make sense?

First, God showed me how blessed I am to know about His perfect law, and to know about what is coming. Then He showed me more blessed I was to have my deserved ticket, for not obeying His law perfectly, paid in full by Jesus Christ. Lastly, He gave me with this ticket a vivid picture/real life experience that will encourage me to tell others about His law and His grace, for months while I am trying to pay it off. :-)

I still wish that the police man had given me mercy, after all, I had never driven on that road before, there were tons of other people being ticketed at the same time as I was (they didn't see any sign either), I was abiding by what I thought was the speed limit, and lastly I am just a poor college student, who doesn't have a job right now. But just as these excuses didn't stand with this cop they cannot stand with God. This cop still had to give me that ticket. The eternal ticket must be paid too. I will not forget this lesson for a long time, I pray it will help kindle the fire in me to tell everyone about Jesus.

When to Leave

There is nothing like a brother and sister relationship. They are your best friends, they are your comrades, they have been through everything with you. You can trust them. It is a bond so tight that you don't think it is possible to break. So in loving them it feels like loving yourself. They are the ones I could not abandon. I could not let them down. I think that this is right, after God family is important. But the question is was I loving them after God or before Him?



Over the past few weeks God has opened my eyes to something completely new. He has rocked my world and I am not sure what to do with the pieces. I am completely wrong and have been for as long as I can remember. This is one of those posts where you guys are going to think less of me. :-) But it is true and if telling my story will keep you from having to learn the way I did, I welcome those lesser thoughts.




When someone asked Jesus what the greatest commandment is He replied, "Thou shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind... And the second [is] like unto it, Thou shalt love thy neighbour as thyself." I now see that all my life and particularly during the last two years I have "loved" my family before God.




As some of my siblings are moving on, beginning new families and doing new things, I realized that they weren't thinking about what I wanted them to do. They were thinking about their responsibility to God. They wanted to do what is right and to do what He is calling them to do. They were focused on Him, and not on me or anyone else.





I realized this driving home, just the other night, from visiting one of my brothers. I cried and was very upset because I felt betrayed, and I couldn't figure out why. I always knew everyone would go their own way. I always knew this was coming. I knew they would leave but I didn't think they would leave me. I was angry, because I thought it was part of an understood plan that we would all do what was best for everyone else. I thought we were all going to do whatever kept us together, whatever kept us close. They weren't keeping their end of this bargain. They were choosing to answer to God and not to me. It was the end of my little world and oh, thank you LORD that it wasn't any later. This little world needed to die. If only it had been earlier...





The Bible says that if any man is not willing to leave their family to do what God has asked them to do they are not worthy of Him (Matthew 10:37-39). Though we were brought up by our parents and by our siblings they are not all that God has called us to. He has called us to Himself alone, and to be servants and lovers of everyone. We are called to have our own families, and follow God in our new families. We are called to new jobs (sometimes far away). We are called to new activities, we are called to share our faith and glorify God in everything we put our hands to. This is putting God first, this is answering to Him.





Our allegiance to God is greater than our allegiance to anyone else, even our dearest brother or sister. And pleasing Him may involve giving up the comfort of my home, my family, my life. I had everything planned out, everything was going to be OK, but I didn't consider "the guys" commitment to God's will for their lives. I didn't consider that if I didn't leave my family there was no guarantee that they wouldn't leave me. I realize now, thank God, how stupid I have been! How wrong I have been in trying to make other people happy and letting God come second if He comes at all.





I have done so wrong in my idolatry of my family and in my idolatry of people in general. I have rejected the way that God wanted to do things, I have run roughshod over His people. There have been several people in my life who tried to tell me this before and I didn't listen. I am sorry. I am sorry for holding myself and for wishing I could hold others back from what is right to do and good to do, just for my own personal comfort and to keep myself from being uncomfortable. In the beginning of this post I said loving ones brothers and sisters is like loving ones self. It is if you are doing it wrong. Loving people like God calls us to is like loving God. It is knowing that He loves them and has a specific plan for them. It is sending them on their way and going your way when it is right to do so.





And now that my sin is out of the way, I must say that I am so proud of my brothers and sisters for doing right and not asking for any mans approval, but looking to God alone for that approval.


Jesus said, (Mark 3:34-35) "Who is my mother, or my brethren? And he looked round about on them which sat about him, and said, Behold my mother and my brethren! For whosoever shall do the will of God, the same is my brother and my sister, and mother." When I can give up my family to do Gods will I will find that I didn't give up my family at all but joined the family of God. Oh, Lord, empower me to do this.

Wild at Heart

Have read the books Captivating and Wild at Heart, by Staci and John Eldridge. They are well written, easy to read, and over all life changing. Don't be fooled by the warm inviting pictures on the cover. These books are challenging, and convicting!

God showed me that I have been treating the men in my life like they are women. I have been trying to correct them, control them, and eventually mold them into more feminine characters. I have been extremely frustrated with my inability to get the results I desired (Praise God!). What a wicked thing to despise a manly heart! God made men to desire adventure, to take chances and risks, to venture out, to be different from women. Almost in every relationship I have had with a man (brother, father, friend) I have despised, in my heart, their masculinity. Sure I say I like manly men, but when it comes down to it I desire to be able to control when their masculinity shows. This is so true about me... I so wish it wasn't but it is. God forgive me and may the men in my life forgive me too.

Reality. :-)

So todays post is about reality. The reality that I am tired, physically, mentally, and spiritually. The reality that I have Satan on everyside accusing, condemning, and decieving me. The reality that I have many troubles and am REALLY in trouble if God will not help me. The reality that Christ said He would always be with me even to the end of the world. The reality that He, for sure, will not leave. The reality that I will always have Him and He will always want me (it makes everyday a miracle). Yay!

I hope you get a nap today! Happy Sunday!

The Challenge

Last night someone challenged me to do every thing today just for Jesus. She knows that people pleasing is a huge temptation for me. She challenged me to do everything even down to brushing my teeth and exercising, just for Him. I have a lot to do today, but I am going to try to take on this challenge. I know I need Christ to be my focus. But it reminds me of what Jesus said to the disciples when they were constantly falling asleep instead of praying, (Matt. 26:41) "...the spirit indeed is willing but the flesh is weak." Like... really weak.


My friend told me that sanctification is like salvation. It isn't something I do, it is a gift that comes from God. I was like "Oh right! and all this time I have been trying to squeeze it out of myself! What a relief!"



I am excited because God is real and alive! I am excited because I see that in continuing hard after my relationship with Him, He will be able to change me little by little. If He is my goal, and my complete focus then I will be as easy to mold as wet clay. I can't wait for those strong loving, Fatherly hands continue their work on this lump. There is so much for Him to do. :-)



In Matthew, whenever Jesus asked the Pharisee's, they never could answer the way they wanted to because they were so afraid of what the people would think of them. And in this way it kept them from knowing their error which kept them from knowing Christ for who He was. I don't want to be like that anymore, and I don't have to be. Praise God!



Knowing that my flesh and naturally doesn't want to do what God wants it to, I also know that I have a great Savior who wants to work with it. I can be happy, even though I have so much that needs to be changed, He isn't going to leave me, He is going to work with me until I am finished (Phil. 1:6). Until then I will not be perfect and don't have to pretend to be. I can tell people what I am thinking and God can use them to correct me.



Already people have corrected me:

- They have corrected me for pride (oh yes, ouch! This was so painful, but I so needed to hear it.)

- They have corrected me for laziness, and ill pursuit of interests. (productivity low level light is on, big time.)

- and for Double mindedness (God help me! This is so true of me. Please, can this be something you can make a strength, Lord? :-))



I am sure I will get a chance to write about these things later. Thanks for reading!

In Giving Thanks

I woke up this morning feeling wonderful. And it was amazing because really yesterday was a pretty bad day. And really this whole past three months have been pretty bad. With so much going on these days it is easy to get discouraged, and depressed. The politics, economy, jobs (money), churches, relationships, family, etc,... Can you relate?

Depression seems to be one of Satan's favorite devises to disable me, a child of God. Satan probably sees it as a slap in Gods face. But yesterday I saw in my own life how dangerous depression can be. Depression blinded me from seeing (and therefore assisting) others right under my nose, who desperately needed encouragement. It blinded me from all the blessings God has poured out into my life. It stole all the joy in my relationship with God and replaced it with bitterness.

A few times I have come to the point in total depression that I can't think of anything for which to thank God. I know, I know isn't it terrible! What kind of a Christian cannot think of something for which to thank God? Hello, Grace, LIFE. Hello, ETERNAL SALVATION! I obviously was NOT thinking.

During my last semester in school, my math professor found himself in such blind depression to the point that he no longer saw his life as a blessing. He took his own life one night after class. All of his students, though we didn't know him well, were very sad for him. I was grieved that I didn't share the gospel (joy) with him before he decided to do this. And Satan, who hates men, and hates our lives wants depression to drive you and me to the same point as my professor. The ultimate goal of all Satan's devices including depression is death. That is scary.

I have a very dear friend from Nigeria, who has the most joyful, thankful spirit I have ever known. She is the one who introduced me to real African music (beautiful, happy music). :-) It astounds me the way that she can be so cheerful in the midst of difficult situations. She works so hard at school and work that many nights she doesn't get to sleep. I know that she must have at least as many money difficulties as I do and yet I have never heard her complain even once. Also she is very far from her family and isn't even sure when she will see them again... Yet her joyful faith in God's goodness toward her is unshakable. She never seems to be affected by depression or blindness to the gifts God has given her. She has a beautiful trusting relationship with God.

In the Old Testament when the Israelites were setting up the temple they had a whole group of people whose only job was to praise and thank God. That didn't sound like a full time job to me. But apparently it was. In the Psalms (100:4) it says,"Enter into his gates with thanksgiving, [and] into his courts with praise: be thankful unto him, [and] bless his name. " The Israelites took thanking God very seriously.

Sometimes I have been so ungrateful and depressed in my heart that it took losing some of those blessings before I knew they were blessings. I think everyone at one time or another knows what it feels like to be in a nice warm shower and all the sudden it turns freezing cold. My first thought is "Umm,...COLD!" Then the shivers come and I think for half a second about waiting it out like a trooper. But as my breathing becomes more rapid and the water more chilling I pop like popcorn out of that shower and start begging people from the door to turn off the hot water. As soon as the heat comes back on I begin to thank God for everything from warm showers and towels to toenail clippers and a toothbrush. All of the sudden I can magically remember all the blessings I have been taking for granted every day, and things no longer seem so dismal.

It wasn't until I realized by the slow disappearance of security, money, school, clothing, books, friends, family, church, etc., how blessed I am. There is one huge blessing (salvation through the blood of Christ, and a real relationship with God Himself) and innumerable little things that I was forgetting/ignoring/walking by each day. Obviously the only way God could get my attention was by taking some of those bigger blessings out of the picture for a while so that I could see the others. I hope that tomorrow when I am tempted to feel depressed I will remember this: That when things are being taken away and they seem to be falling completely apart it is time to look more closely at my life and start saying "Thank you, God". Also I hope to remember to be merciful to everyone in my life who is going through depression. Because there are people who are depressed due to illness (chemical or hormonal imbalance), or particularly difficult times (deaths in the family, ill treatment). If you have been there you know how they feel, and they need lots of hugs (if they are touchy person), kind words (if they are not), special attention and prayer. I want to be one of the people they thank God for when they are feeling better. Yup! I hope I remember these things.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 " In everything give thanks for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you."

Psalm 33:1 "Rejoice in the Lord, O ye righteous..."

In NOT Knowing What the Future Holds

There is a story in the book, "In My Fathers House", by Corrie Ten Boom, about how gracious God is for not letting us see the future as He does. I hope I tell it right, if I don't please let me know. But I think Corrie Ten Boon, as a ten year old, asked her Father one of those questions that parents dread, and never know how to answer. She and her Father were at the time walking to the bus station, and her Father asked her to carry his case (not sure if it was a box or his briefcase) onto the bus. Corrie answered "You know I can't carry it, Dad, it is way to heavy for me". Her Father replied that he knew it was too heavy for her. He explained that God gave Fathers special wisdom to know what is too heavy for their children to bear. He told her that she could trust him to tell her as soon as he knew she could bear it.

Today, I remembered that story. I wish so much that I knew the future. I think it would be wonderful to have a vision or hear from God what exactly will happen in my future, in the future of my family, in the future of my friends. It might be a little scary but after it was over it would be GREAT! But God, my Father, knows that it is too heavy for me.

I have to walk day by day, hour by hour, not knowing what is next but trusting my Father to let me know as I am able to bear it, and to give me the strength for the next moment. In Matthew 6:34, "Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day [is] the evil thereof." These were Jesus' own words to me/us.

Sometimes that is so frustrating, but there it is in plain English. It is not my burden to bear, so why do I constantly try? As a family we have been going through some extreme challenges in these past few weeks, and unfortunately it looks like much more difficult days are ahead. This can be very distressing, but pretending for just a second that I was little Corrie how ridiculous it would be and how much extra strain it cause if I insisted on carrying that heavy briefcase.

Matthew 11:28 - 30, "Come unto me, all [ye] that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke [is] easy, and my burden is light."

Grace for Fear

If you know me, you know that I am a very fearful person. I am not really scared of snakes, rats, spiders, or scorpions. I am not afraid of fire, water, or heights. But I am terrified of people rejecting me, and you can probably tell that from about a mile away.

It took a new laptop and knowing that no one is reading my blog right now before I would start a blog. Because perchance someone should read it and disagree or even think less of me as a person for what I have written. I know that obviously everyone has people who do not like them. Ten percent of those people might not have a real cause, but I would say ninety percent do. This is a very scary thought for me. I am what you call a "people pleaser".

Everyone admires the men and woman brave enough to stand in the rattlesnake pits at the local Rattlesnake Roundup. And most especially when after the show they pull out their bootlaces, or roll up their shirt sleeves to reveal the deep and ugly scars from previous encounters with one of the deadliest and scariest animals in Texas. Also, don't you think that those Rodeo Clowns, that bravely take the heat for the Cowboy over and over again, are awesome. They get gored and trampled over and over again, and yet somehow always stand up and shake the dust off of their chaps. I think they are not afraid.

But more seriously, what about the martyrs? Who at all ages (as young as 7 years old) and all costs gave their lives just to take a stand for Christ. They were not always killed because they wouldn't renounce their faith, sometimes they were killed just for standing firmly for a specific doctrine. It amazes me, and begs the question could I do that?

I read verses in Matthew 5 saying "Blessed are ye, when [men] shall revile you, and persecute [you], and shall say all manner of evil against you falsely, for my sake. Rejoice, and be exceeding glad: for great [is] your reward in heaven: for so persecuted they the prophets which were before you." I think, "This is not me". But I know this fearful attitude in a Christian is wrong. 1st John 4:18 says, "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love." So, is my fear evidence of a heart that is not willing for Christ to make it perfect with His love? As a Christian, I testify that God is real, and in fact more real than I am. I also believe, and say that I believe, that He holds the key to everlasting life and also the key to everlasting damnation. Why is my fear of man greater than my fear of God. This is irrational!

When you keep reading in Matthew 5, Jesus says that if a salt looses its flavor it isn't good for anything, but to be cast out. Well, I know that He is talking about me, and that if I lose my willingness to share, or if I fear men's opinion of me more than Gods I am that salt that lost the fear of the Lord, that lost its flavor.

So my final and most important question is: Will I find His grace when I am afraid, when I am persecuted by my fellow man? Christ offers a life and a death without fear. 1st Corinthians 15:55 "O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?", John 5:24, "Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that heareth my word, and believeth on him that sent me, hath everlasting life, and shall not come into condemnation; but is passed from death unto life." So according to the Scripture I have eternal life now, and no man can take it away from me. God will overcome in my weakness (extreme weakness), He even says that He is able to make it a strength. I think He can too, because He is very strong. We shall see. I am pretty sure time will tell. :-) You just never know, I might be round up some rattlers or take some heat for another guy in a clown suit, I might be a martyr.

One Day At A Time

Today my youngest brother taught me about Twitter and Blogspot. I thought I would try it out. Feel like I have a lot to share, but am not sure if it would be useful or even interesting. :-) Still it WILL be fun for me. So here it goes.

I am so glad my parents named me Grace. Not only is it a popular name now (oh yea!) but also it reminds me of the grace of God in my life and how desperate I am for His grace.
Today I shared the gospel with two very young Jehovah's Witness'. I was extremely disturbed in my spirit. From what I understood they claimed that Jesus is a god but not the Almighty God. They say that Jesus is the Son of God and therefore not God. This is wicked heresy, to say that Jesus is anything less than God is blasphemy. Jesus said in John 10:30 that he and God are One. Right after the Jews picked up stones and tried to stone him, why? Because He equated Himself with God. The Jews were Jehovah's Witness', they didn't believe Jesus was God either, but that is what He testified to, and that is what He said He was. Since He isn't able to lie, I can know that He is God. At first all of this questioning of God's truthfulness disturbed me into shaking and nausea, but Gods grace on my life is incomparable. With His truth He brings peace, and wicked men/women or evil lies have no part with Him. As those verses in chapter 10 of John say He will keep me because He is greater than all. He will not lose one of His sheep. This is God's grace on my life. How good it is! To God be the glory great things He has done, is doing and will do.